THE HITMEN RYDER CUP LOOMS: AVALON BRACES FOR ANOTHER BATTLE OF THE AGES

The week has arrived, gentlemen.

The illustrious Hitmen Ryder Cup is upon us, and the sporting public once again turns its collective gaze toward Avalon, where two proud factions shall meet upon the fairways in what promises to be a championship of considerable consequence, questionable hospitality, and, if history is any indication, no shortage of skulduggery.

This year’s engagement carries with it a particular air of significance, for it may very well represent the final undertaking at Avalon. Hospitality, once the pride of the establishment, has suffered grievously in recent times. Indeed, conditions have deteriorated to such an extent that tournament officials are expected to steer the championship into wholly uncharted waters next season.

Whether this is prophecy or merely another rumor circulating among the clubhouse crowd, only time will tell.

But enough of the melancholia! There is golf to be played.

A NEW CHAPTER IN THE CHAMPIONSHIP

For the first time in the storied history of the Hitmen Cup, tournament officials have introduced a nine-hole alternate-shot match play contest on the opening day.

Three teams of two shall represent each side, and the brave souls will be asked to place their fortunes — and, more importantly, their partners’ fortunes — directly into one another’s hands.

The stakes are considerable. These opening matches will offer valuable points before the competition moves to the head-to-head match play battles of Day Two.

One can only imagine the scenes.

Three pairings per side.

Nine holes.

Alternate shots.

Match play.

And somewhere, surely, a man standing over a six-foot putt wondering how precisely he came to trust another human being with his championship hopes.

The anticipation is already reaching fever pitch.

TEAM WORLD® ARRIVES WITH A SPRING IN ITS STEP

Time has been kind to Team World® since the last edition of this noble competition.

The international contingent arrives at Avalon carrying a sharp game and an air of confidence, with much rejoicing reportedly taking place within the World® camp.

And perhaps for good reason.

Once again, Leader Ben Somerville has emerged victorious in his battle against the cruelest of opponents. Cancer has once again failed to bring down one of Team World’s most notable figures, and Somerville returns to the field having once again stared down the giant and lived to tell the tale.

Just what they are feeding these fellows over there remains a mystery.

There are whispers of some secret elixir.

Some mysterious tonic.

Some concoction brewed in the darkest laboratories of Team World® headquarters.

After all, it was Juice Simpson who first managed to slay the giant, and now Somerville has once again joined him in victory.

One can only wonder whether the formula has finally been perfected.

If so, the Penn State boys had better beware.

PENN STATE IN TURMOIL

Across the aisle, however, the summer has been considerably less kind to Team Penn State.

Perhaps the writing was already on the wall when the championship trophy mysteriously departed their possession — only to be reforged by Andy Drake of Team World®, thereby securing yet another victory for the opposition.

Whatever the case, the Penn State camp has endured a summer that can scarcely be described as prosperous.

Captains Matt Welch and “Squeaky” Nick Vellky endured a dreadful showing at the sister championship, the DTTC Invitational, leaving the Penn State faithful to wonder whether their captains have peaked too early — or perhaps not at all.

And now comes another blow.

Through what appears to be an existential struggle between two squads of undercover homicide, Captain Logan Krawchyk has found himself unavailable for the opening day’s matches.

His replacement?

As of press time, Team PSU has yet to announce one.

The sporting public waits.

The clubhouse whispers.

The betting men sharpen their pencils.

And somewhere in the Penn State war room, one imagines a captain staring solemnly at a telephone, hoping for a miracle.

HOCKEY MEN TURN THEIR ATTENTION TO THE FAIRWAYS

There is, however, one curious commonality between these two embattled camps.

Much of the roster on either side has spent the summer enjoying a surprising resurgence with the resurrected Hopewell Hitmen Hockey Club.

Times are high upon the hockey rink.

The Hitmen have found new life.

Confidence is flowing.

The faithful are rejoicing.

But the question now facing the sporting world is a simple one:

Will that magic travel from the rink to the links?

Will the same men who have found glory in the rink be able to summon it from the fairways of Avalon?

Will Team World’s® mysterious elixir prove stronger than Penn State’s wounded pride?

Will the alternate-shot experiment produce heroes — or villains?

And, perhaps most importantly, will Avalon survive one more championship?

The answers await.

The clubs are polished.

The teams are assembled — mostly.

The trophy has been forged.

The rivalries remain as fierce as ever.

The Hitmen Ryder Cup is here.

Grab your ticket.

The sporting spectacle is about to begin.