TEAM BEN VICTORIOUS AFTER LONG DAY ON THE GREENS. "OUR CAPTAIN SUCKS" SAYS TEAM ED PLAYERS

In a development that has stirred modest interest among golf aficionados, Team Ben emerged victorious over Team Ed in the annual Hitmen Ryder Cup, held at the picturesque Grand Resort at Avalon. While details of the match are scant—our reporters, unfortunately, not being on the scene—it appears that the day unfolded without much fanfare. The lone correspondence from the Hopewell Hitmen’s official Twitter account summed up the mood with a terse, “Ryder cup tomorrow, baby.”

However, it was not the play itself that garnered the most attention, but rather the curious reaction from the players of the beleaguered Team Ed. In a shocking turn of events, Captain Edward Persinger was a no-show, prompting the team to find a last-minute replacement. Whispers among the participants suggest Persinger’s absence was not unexpected, though his team’s patience has clearly worn thin.

"Our captain' sucks" barked more than one disillusioned player, the loudest voice among them belonging to Garrison Drake. “His draft choices were awful,” Drake lamented. “Everyone knows you need high handicaps for an event like this, but Ed? No, not him. He ought to stick to gooning it up on the deck.”

With rumblings of dissatisfaction within Team Ed and rumblings of changes ahead, our readers can rest assured that we will follow future proceedings of the Hitmen Ryder Cup closely. One thing is certain—more intrigue is on the horizon.