THE 2025 HITMEN RYDER CUP IS HERE

Gather ‘round, sports fans and golf enthusiasts alike—for the grand spectacle that is the Hitmen Ryder Cup returns this very week! On Thursday, July 17, the fairways of The Grand Resort at Avalon shall once more serve as the battleground for two mighty factions: the reigning champions of Team World®, and their hungry, vengeful challengers from Team Penn State. Grab your hats and hold on tight—this year's installment promises fireworks, feuds, and fine golf the likes of which we've never seen!

After their stunning triumph in 2024, Team World® wasted no time in rubbing salt in Penn State’s wounds. At the annual Yuletide gathering at Drakebrahaus, typically a festive affair of carols and cocktails, the champs turned the scene into a pageant of gloating and good-natured derision. Team World®'s celebrations rolled on while the men of Penn State stood firm, their eyes steeled with resolve and revenge on the mind. The heat has simmered long enough, and now it’s set to boil.

Our roving correspondents caught up with Captain Nicholas “Squeaky Nick” Vellky, Captain of Team Penn State, as the final days of preparation dwindle.

“We’re itching to get back to Avalon after last year’s disaster,” said the defiant Vellky. “We’ve got veteran blood returning—Ed Persinger, the so-called ‘Numbers Guy.’ The man’s a walking yardage book. He’s seen more courses than a railcar porter, and rumor has it he’s ready to kick tail and chew bubblegum—but he’s fresh outta gum.”

Captain Vellky continued, “Welch is out to bury Swan for the third straight year. He’s working through demons from that catastrophic collapse on 18—folks are calling him ‘Tommy Fleetwood’ now, maybe that’s why he’s growing the flow. But he’s a natural-born winner.

Pow? Easily the handsomest lad in the field. Doesn’t matter if he hasn’t swung a stick in a year—he’ll be pure silk come Thursday.

And let me squash the rumors about Fonz snapping clubs like twigs—those are faker than a HockeyBuzz scoop.

Logan is coming in sharp. Critics question his mind, but I say he’s focused, hungry, and ready to silence the lot.

As for me? I’ve got my eyes set on Garrison Drake—their top guy. Come Friday’s match play, I aim to scalp him.”

Vellky wasn’t bluffing— Captain Ed Persinger, the mythic “Numbers Guy” himself, is back in action for the first time since before the Ryder Cup made its permanent home at Avalon. Meanwhile, his protégé, Captain Brandon “Dink Dog” Kashur, will sit out this year’s affair—perhaps planning future vengeance.

When asked for response, Team World®’s chief instigator, Robert Swan, fired back with a blast of his own:

“Numbers Guy Ed’s played some of the finest courses on Earth, sure—but none of these tracks at Avalon sniff a Top 100 list. I’d be surprised if he even shows. He’s too busy licking the boots of the country club elite to tee it up with us.”

Swan didn’t stop there.

“Team World® is dialed in. Locked and loaded. Frankly, if Penn State pulls one of their trademark double-double finishes, we’ll only need our C-game to mop the floor.”

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the stage is set. The stakes are high. Rumors even swirl of post-match fisticuffs, teased by none other than Persinger himself via coded message on the telegram apparatus known as Snapchat. Though the forecast may call for rain, the golf is certain to be red-hot.

This Thursday, the tale continues. Will Team World® defend their crown, or will Penn State rise from the ashes to reclaim glory? Grab your galoshes, dust off your derby, and make way to Avalon—history is ready to be made.