HITMEN RYDER CUP OFFICIALS ANNOUNCE DATES OF NEXT TOURNAMENT

The air crackles with anticipation across the golfing world as the esteemed officials of the illustrious Hitmen Ryder Cup have at last set the stage for the grandest showdown in sport. Mark your calendars, gentlemen—July 17-18, 2025—when the mighty gladiators of golf shall once again descend upon The Grand Resort at Avalon, where Avalon Lakes and Squaw Creek will bear witness to their triumphs and tribulations.

Meanwhile, catastrophe looms over the ranks of Team Penn State, still reeling from their devastating collapse in last year’s event. In a shocking development, officials at Penn State have declared that the university’s Beaver campus shall shutter its doors—an event some whisper is the tragic ripple effect of Team Penn State’s Ryder Cup demise. Our tireless reporters are on the case, digging into what this means for the future of the institution and its once-proud supporters.

We managed to corral Team Penn State’s battle-scarred captain, the indomitable Logan “Piss” “Bogan Michael” Krawchyk, to gauge the mettle of his squad as they steel themselves for redemption.

“You know, the boys have taken it in stride,” declared Captain Piss, his jaw set with determination. “It’s not easy coming off that kind of loss, but we’ve got a resilient group. Our focus is sharper than ever, our bond unbreakable, and make no mistake—we’re primed to whoop that Team World® ass.” With a glint in his eye, he added, “Revenge is on the menu, and we’ve kept all the receipts. Swan’s fate is sealed.”

But what say the warriors of Team World®? We reached out to the ever-formidable Rob Swan, the unflinching enforcer of Team World®, only to receive this merciless retort: “Welch took as many putts on 18 as Ben has stages of cancer.”

With the battle lines drawn and tempers already aflame, the 2025 Hitmen Ryder Cup promises to be a clash for the ages. Only time will tell which band of warriors shall emerge victorious. Stay tuned, sports fans—history is waiting to be written!